A long pondering path

[Gabrielle Milanich]

Good morning all!

I took the day off work so I'm able to catch up on the VERY interesting
conversations happening about communion, mass, transubstantiation, etc.  It's
all been thought-provoking for me, and I have been led to question my own
beliefs.  Thank you for that!

I leave May 15th, feel wholly unprepared, and not just a little out of my
league.  I have only 40 days and find that I am very nervous about not only
NOT completing the pilgrimage, but not having enough time to get to
Broceliande (Paimpont), which for me, is  just as essential as the Camino
itself.  As I'm well-aware, I have gross needs to fulfill things to
perfection.  I am very frightened that I will be faced with a choice: to
either finsih the walk, or take some sort of transport to Santiago in order
to quicken my arrival in Paimpont, France.  I don't want to rush through, not
stopping to smell the spring flowers or talk to a farmer or even just sit on
a rock.  I know it seems trivial in light of the grand topics being discussed
but this search for perfection ties directly into my spiritual quest.

I'm not Catholic, Chrisitan, Jewish, Buddhist, etc.  I suppose the closest
"ism" that I can apply would be that I am a pantheist.  I am trying very hard
to quiet any specific expectations I may have of the Camino (such as having
enough money, finding a place to sleep, or even being physically capable fo
this task, etc).  However, one expectation I cannot get past is that I feel I
so desperately want to "Know" God - establish a relationship with that
source.  I cannot say that I believe in the divine nature of Jesus, other
than I believe we are all divine.  However, I am not about to enter into a
debate over whether Christ is the son of God.  I truly respect and admire
Chrisitans and Catholics their faith.   But I am so afrai dof returning to
have discovered that for me, God was not be found on the Camino.  This leads
me to ask of myself: why am I doing this?  For this I have no answer.  I
first learned of the Camino last year, knew I was hearing a call to make the
pilgrimage, but for what reason, i have no idea.  And this disturbs me
profoundly!

I have decided to take small CD player with me, so I may listen to some of my
favorite music.  My husband is burning CDs for me so all my favorite songs
will be in one place.  In listening to each of them, and deciding what will
go and what will stay home, I found myself almost weeping over the power that
music has.  I got such a clear image of myself as I walked along the path,
overwhlemed at those indescribable emotions.  Is that God?

Is God found at a Catholic mass?  Or is God within the path itself?  What
appeals to me is thinking that I will be walking along the same earth and
dirt that had been tread upon by thousands, maybe millions (?) of souls.  If
I believe in reincarnation, can I suggest that maybe I have walked it before,
and it will be a "coming home?"  I read Ana's response to me that Spain is
where she will return when she finds herself where she is meant to be.  Quite
honestly, I have no affinity for Spain.  My "Home" is Scotland.  But it seems
it's time for full disclosure.

Although I first learned of the Camino through Paulo's book, I was invited to
walk by Shirley's.  However, that is not why I chose to begin planning.
There is a man who lives in Spain, who is probably the love of my life.  Now
I am happily married, but the Camino seemed to suggest that this was a way to
reconcile this two very different people: my husband and this man.  I don't
feel quilty for loving someone other than my husband, as I met Christopher
long before I met my husband, Mark.  But I need to exorcise this person from
my heart in order to even find myself!  Therefore, it is a fear that in
walking upon the land on which he lives, I will not be able to enact that
exorcism.  I am looking to and hoping for God to take his place.

I read Rosina's post regarding her priest suggesting that she concetrate on
practicing her religion rather than theorizing about it.  For me, I am a
scholar at heart.  I live intuitively (if I didn't I wouldn't be making this
pilgrimage), but I have such an intense need to KNOW.  Does the wafer and
wine really turn into the body and blood of Christ?  I can envy Rosina her
faith, but I cannot seem to find it in myself.  I don't know what faith is.
If I can wonder and question if I will find God on the Camino, does that mean
I don't even have faith that there is a God?

Anyway, sorry everyone, for waxing sentimental, or something.  The closer it
gets to me boarding that plane, the closer I get to panic mode.  I saw
Castaway over the weekend and the Tom Hanks character describes how he
survived...he decided to breathe everyday.  I am trying really hard to
replace breathe with the verb "walk."  I will walk everyday, for as long as
it takes, and then I will walk a little more.  Hopefully, when I have
finished walking, I will have found a little something of myself or God, or
Jesus, or Buddha, or someone or something.  Maybe they, including myself, are
all in one.

I have some practical questions, but I'm feeling that the time for questions
has passed.  Elyn seems to offer the best advice when she says "lt go."
Whew!  That's a tall order!  But my heart tells me she's right.

Lastly, for Russ, thank you for sharing with me some of your past and
inspirations for walking the Camino.  I have not forgotten you.  I think I
used work as a means to not confront some of what you had brought up.  Maybe
you hit a little too close to home, and I had to retreat a bit.  I apologize
for not responding to your fascinating ideas.  From the bottem of my heart, I
hope you find what you are seeking on the Camino.

Thanks, everyone, for listening to me ramble.  I'm not always like this, I
promise.  Sometimes, I'm even succinct! :-)

Blessed day,
Gabrielle
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