<HTML><FONT FACE=arial,helvetica><FONT SIZE=2>Good morning all!
<BR>
<BR>I took the day off work so I'm able to catch up on the VERY interesting
<BR>conversations happening about communion, mass, transubstantiation, etc. It's
<BR>all been thought-provoking for me, and I have been led to question my own
<BR>beliefs. Thank you for that!
<BR>
<BR>I leave May 15th, feel wholly unprepared, and not just a little out of my
<BR>league. I have only 40 days and find that I am very nervous about not only
<BR>NOT completing the pilgrimage, but not having enough time to get to
<BR>Broceliande (Paimpont), which for me, is just as essential as the Camino
<BR>itself. As I'm well-aware, I have gross needs to fulfill things to
<BR>perfection. I am very frightened that I will be faced with a choice: to
<BR>either finsih the walk, or take some sort of transport to Santiago in order
<BR>to quicken my arrival in Paimpont, France. I don't want to rush through, not
<BR>stopping to smell the spring flowers or talk to a farmer or even just sit on
<BR>a rock. I know it seems trivial in light of the grand topics being discussed
<BR>but this search for perfection ties directly into my spiritual quest.
<BR>
<BR>I'm not Catholic, Chrisitan, Jewish, Buddhist, etc. I suppose the closest
<BR>"ism" that I can apply would be that I am a pantheist. I am trying very hard
<BR>to quiet any specific expectations I may have of the Camino (such as having
<BR>enough money, finding a place to sleep, or even being physically capable fo
<BR>this task, etc). However, one expectation I cannot get past is that I feel I
<BR>so desperately want to "Know" God - establish a relationship with that
<BR>source. I cannot say that I believe in the divine nature of Jesus, other
<BR>than I believe we are all divine. However, I am not about to enter into a
<BR>debate over whether Christ is the son of God. I truly respect and admire
<BR>Chrisitans and Catholics their faith. But I am so afrai dof returning to
<BR>have discovered that for me, God was not be found on the Camino. This leads
<BR>me to ask of myself: why am I doing this? For this I have no answer. I
<BR>first learned of the Camino last year, knew I was hearing a call to make the
<BR>pilgrimage, but for what reason, i have no idea. And this disturbs me
<BR>profoundly!
<BR>
<BR>I have decided to take small CD player with me, so I may listen to some of my
<BR>favorite music. My husband is burning CDs for me so all my favorite songs
<BR>will be in one place. In listening to each of them, and deciding what will
<BR>go and what will stay home, I found myself almost weeping over the power that
<BR>music has. I got such a clear image of myself as I walked along the path,
<BR>overwhlemed at those indescribable emotions. Is that God?
<BR>
<BR>Is God found at a Catholic mass? Or is God within the path itself? What
<BR>appeals to me is thinking that I will be walking along the same earth and
<BR>dirt that had been tread upon by thousands, maybe millions (?) of souls. If
<BR>I believe in reincarnation, can I suggest that maybe I have walked it before,
<BR>and it will be a "coming home?" I read Ana's response to me that Spain is
<BR>where she will return when she finds herself where she is meant to be. Quite
<BR>honestly, I have no affinity for Spain. My "Home" is Scotland. But it seems
<BR>it's time for full disclosure.
<BR>
<BR>Although I first learned of the Camino through Paulo's book, I was invited to
<BR>walk by Shirley's. However, that is not why I chose to begin planning.
<BR>There is a man who lives in Spain, who is probably the love of my life. Now
<BR>I am happily married, but the Camino seemed to suggest that this was a way to
<BR>reconcile this two very different people: my husband and this man. I don't
<BR>feel quilty for loving someone other than my husband, as I met Christopher
<BR>long before I met my husband, Mark. But I need to exorcise this person from
<BR>my heart in order to even find myself! Therefore, it is a fear that in
<BR>walking upon the land on which he lives, I will not be able to enact that
<BR>exorcism. I am looking to and hoping for God to take his place.
<BR>
<BR>I read Rosina's post regarding her priest suggesting that she concetrate on
<BR>practicing her religion rather than theorizing about it. For me, I am a
<BR>scholar at heart. I live intuitively (if I didn't I wouldn't be making this
<BR>pilgrimage), but I have such an intense need to KNOW. Does the wafer and
<BR>wine really turn into the body and blood of Christ? I can envy Rosina her
<BR>faith, but I cannot seem to find it in myself. I don't know what faith is.
<BR>If I can wonder and question if I will find God on the Camino, does that mean
<BR>I don't even have faith that there is a God?
<BR>
<BR>Anyway, sorry everyone, for waxing sentimental, or something. The closer it
<BR>gets to me boarding that plane, the closer I get to panic mode. I saw
<BR>Castaway over the weekend and the Tom Hanks character describes how he
<BR>survived...he decided to breathe everyday. I am trying really hard to
<BR>replace breathe with the verb "walk." I will walk everyday, for as long as
<BR>it takes, and then I will walk a little more. Hopefully, when I have
<BR>finished walking, I will have found a little something of myself or God, or
<BR>Jesus, or Buddha, or someone or something. Maybe they, including myself, are
<BR>all in one.
<BR>
<BR>I have some practical questions, but I'm feeling that the time for questions
<BR>has passed. Elyn seems to offer the best advice when she says "lt go."
<BR>Whew! That's a tall order! But my heart tells me she's right.
<BR>
<BR>Lastly, for Russ, thank you for sharing with me some of your past and
<BR>inspirations for walking the Camino. I have not forgotten you. I think I
<BR>used work as a means to not confront some of what you had brought up. Maybe
<BR>you hit a little too close to home, and I had to retreat a bit. I apologize
<BR>for not responding to your fascinating ideas. From the bottem of my heart, I
<BR>hope you find what you are seeking on the Camino.
<BR>
<BR>Thanks, everyone, for listening to me ramble. I'm not always like this, I
<BR>promise. Sometimes, I'm even succinct! :-)
<BR>
<BR>Blessed day,
<BR>Gabrielle</FONT></HTML>