[Granville-Hough] 10 Jan 2010 - 86 Year Old Lady's Letter To Bank

[Trustees for Granville W. Hough]

My father didn't realize that this started as an Australian joke:

https://www.snopes.com/business/bank/takethat.asp


Date: Sun, 10 Jan 2010 07:50:43 -0800
From: Granville W Hough <gwhough at oakapple.net>
Subject: 86 Year Old Lady's Letter To Bank - 10 Jan 2010


It isn't the government taking over which creates the problem, but 
rather the big business corporations and banking institutions who run 
everything in our lives.  You might consider the following letter.
I thought I had better send it along 
as I get into my 88th year.  Note that the bank manager thought it was 
amusing.  So much for his arrogance!  I hope his bank is one of those 
which fails completely.  Grampa

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------



            Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by
            an 86 year
            old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to
            have it published in
            the New York Times.

            Dear Sir:

            I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
            endeavored
            to pay my plumber last month.

            By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed
            between his
            presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the
            funds needed to honor
            it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of
            my entire pension,
            an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only
            eight years. You are
            to be commended for seizing that brief window of
            opportunity, and also for
            debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the
            inconvenience caused to your
            bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
            incident has caused
            me to rethink my errant financial ways.

            I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone
            calls and
            letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by
            the impersonal,
            overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank
            has become.

             >From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
            flesh-and-blood
            person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and
            hereafter no longer
            be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by
            check,addressed personally and
            confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must
            nominate.

            Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any
            other
            person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an
            Application Contact
            which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry
            it runs to eight
            pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as
            your bank knows
            about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all
            copies of his or her
            medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public,
            and the mandatory
            details of his/her financial situation (income, debts,
            assets and liabilities)
            must be accompanied by documented proof.

            In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee
            with a PIN
            number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret
            that it cannot be
            shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the
            number of button
            presses required of me to access my account balance on your
            phone bank service.
            As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

            Let me level the playing field even further.

            When you call me, press buttons as follows:

            IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR
            ENGLISH

            #1. To make an appointment to see me

            #2. To query a missing payment.

            #3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

            #4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping

            #5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending
            to nature.

            #6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home

            #7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access
            my computer
            is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later
            date to that
            Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

            #8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1
            through 7.

            #9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will
            then be
            put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering
            service.

            #10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While
            this may,
            on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will
            play for the duration
            of the call.

            Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also
            levy an
            establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new
            arrangement. May I wish
            you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

            Your Humble Client