Motives

[Gabrielle Milanich]

Leonard and Elyn:

Actually, I do have a reply to this.  When I first heard of the Camino
(through Coelho's book, then MacLaine's - what was I thinking?!) I remember
feeling a pull, but not for the Camino itself.  Another reason (which, if
you'll forgive me, is exceedingly personal, so I'll forgo mentioning it here)
led me to Spain.  I went though the motions of gathering gear and learning
more about what I was doing.  But when it came down to my actual motives,
walking across the country was teh LAST thing I wanted to do.  But maybe like
you, Leonard, I truly felt I had no choice.  Now maybe that's becuse I gave
myself no other choice.  As th etime drew near for me to leave, I experienced
all the usual fears and trepidations, but in all relaity, if I could have
backed out, I would have.  I remember standing in front of the airport gate
thinking "I could just go home and hide out for a month, no one would ever
know.'"  Yeah right!  I deliberately hadn't prepared physically or mentally
for this challenge.  Quite honestly, I think it was my stubbornness and my
potential embarrassmentof not going that pushed through to the plane itself.

Although I had a "reason" for walking, I now see that that was mearly a
primary cause.  I had many experiences which later told me that in regard I
had been right: I had no choice in walking or not.  Although in another way,
it turned out to be something I really wanted to do all along.

There are so many experiences and sometimes they can lead to sensory
overload!   There were times I literally hated being there and just wnated to
go home.  While I was walking, I didn't understand what I was doing nor why
anymore.  All those explanations ocme thorugh tiny little messages on a daily
basis, but only after I've been home.

Walk Leonard.  My heart goes out to you as I remember well the stage you are
in.  I hope I'm not sounding condescending - it's not my intent.  Know you
have great support from many on this list, and if you want to talk further,
you can e-mail me personally if you like.  I've read with great interest
things you have said up to now and find a great many similarities in things I
was feeling.  I can tell you more about "not wanting to do it" and the
effects tehreof, but I don't want to take up any more space here on the list.

For me, not wanting to walk turned out to be a cloaked representation of not
wanting to initiate change.  I'm sure it's sometihgn different for you.

Warm regards,
Gabrielle
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